A Picture Definitely Worth 1,000 Words

You know it's true.

From: The Assimilated Negro

Pay No Mind to the Crazy Senator Behind the Podium

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) has spoken, presumably while we all held our breath. And by "we all" I mean anybody who knows the first thing about Congress and professional sports. And by "held our breath" I mean tried to keep the stench of all that B.S. from entering into our noses. Apparently, a man charged with representing a part of our country in its lawmaking assembly thinks that NFL commish Roger Goddell didn't handle Spygate properly, and that there ought to be a full investigation into the matter. Even held a press conference to say so, saying he wasn't quite sure that the NFL's destruction of the Spygate tapes rose to the level of the recent destruction of CIA tapes. Whew, thanks for that clarification sir, I was getting worried for a bit. Because, you know, national security and football are right there together on my list of priorities.
The more sensible among us might ask, "what could be farther from the realm of senatorial duty than the sports-related affairs of a professional sports team?" An apt question, indeed, dear reader.
Let's take a trip back a few months to when MLB comissioner Bud Selig asked Congress to appoint a special committee to investigate the use of steriods and performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. A few months later, viola, we have the Mitchell Report, a much-ballyhooed and ultimately disappointing report that told us everything we already knew (Everybody was on the Juice! Shocking!)and named a few names. And all it took was a few million of your tax dollars and thousands of senatorial man-hours, while a couple hundred more died in Iraq. Just another day at the office.
Now, I know Congress likes to wrap its authoritative paws around whatever it can like the selfish kid at day-care screaming "MINE!" And I'm fully aware that Selig asked Congress to investigate this whole thing. But I still have to wonder what it is about performance enhancers in sports that makes it fall under Congress' so-VERY-capable investigative authority. As if we didn't have enough on our congressional plate already with a dollar that's more inflated than Roseanne at a Vegas buffet, to say nothing of Iraq, campaign finance reform, dwindling social security funds, and an oil crisis that we haven't faced since the Carter administration. Miguel Tejada? Human Growth Hormone? Cancel my meeting with the U.N., I have to get to the bottom of this! The only plausible argument I can see for Congressional involvement in this whole thing was that some of the substances in question were subject to federal regulation (at least, I think some of them were). But I digress.
Unless I'm mistaken, Specter was on the Steroids in Baseball Committee. Or maybe he wasn't. I'm not positive, but it doesn't matter anyway. It looks like this good ol' boy hasn't had enough. Now he feels that a full investigation should be made into Spygate, which apparently involves the New England Patriots filming pregame workouts and play-calling signals, in violation of NFL rules. Nevermind that NFL rules clearly do not fall under federal jurisdiction (you don't get remanded to Leavenworth for a holding penalty, after all). Nevermind that we have an election coming up. Forget about our crashing economy and the millions who live below the poverty line. And screw all those people who died in China and Myanmar. We have know what Bill Belichek knows! We don't know what he has! (And by the way, doesn't that sound similar to what we heard before we started dropping bombs over baghdad?)
This is absurd. Sen. Specter, do your freaking job. Represent your constituency. Cast your ballot in Congress. Figure out how to help our nation on the road to recovery. How much did it cost you in time and money to prepare a statement and hold a press conference? And how many children and senior citizens died during that time from starvation or an inability to procure adequate health care? You can help fix the latter, senator. But nobody (repeat:nobody) with a shred of common sense gives two turds about what you think about Spygate or what should be done about it. You have no right to go there. Nobody asked you. You weren't invited. Stop riding Roger Goddell and go ride Nancy Pelosi and maybe you and your little congressional playmates might actually get somewhere on an issue for once instead of sitting around arguing partisan rhetoric with your thumbs up your butts.
Screw you, Senator Specter.