Confused

I feel like I'm different somehow than I was at the beginning of the summer. I've become quieter and, I fear, less stoic than I was before. Things are happening to me and for me, big things. Some great, some not so great, but their momentous natures have me feeling a bit like a life raft in the middle of a hurricane. I'm just hanging on for dear life to see if I'll get out alive, and what shape I'll be in.

Law school is picking up again, I've got interviews coming up with law firms, even though my grades aren't the best. Somehow I've got to wow them by sheer force of personality (if you're not in law school, you can't possibly understand how nerve-wracking that is). I'm feeling less-than-confident about my interviewing abilities at this point.

I'm getting married in five months. Nerve-wracking. Exciting. Scary. It's a completely new and unique mixture of feelings for me. But it's wonderful. Still, though, it's emotionally draining. Proposing to Marisa was ten times harder and scarier than I feel like it should have been. And it still hasn't hit me that I'm going to be a married man. I really can't put into words how great it is and how awesome Marisa has been to me. I'm madly in love with her. Other than that, I'm just wonderfully mixed up on that front.

I spent ten weeks in a public defender's office this summer, dealing with lowlife scum and the lowlife crimes they commit. Also spent time dealing with authority figures who abuse their power and discretion at the expense of harmless, well-meaning citizens because they happened to be the wrong color or were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's a hard pill to swallow, looking at our society from such an all-around disheartening angle.

And now I'm alone. The only person I've had any extended contact with in the last week or so has been my fiancee. Most of my friends are out of town and I've been working in my room for the past 7 days on a freelance project to get some extra cash. And, as much as I love my fiancee, and even though she's my best friend, for a guy who thrives on the company of others to be deprived of it for so long, it has a funny effect on you. Numbing, really.

So, consider this a disclaimer to all of you who might at some point in the near future find yourself thinking "Todd's acting weird/preoccupied/strange, something's up with him." I promise, it's not you, and I'm not trying to be offputting or weird. I'm in a mental and spiritual spot I've never been in, and probably won't be ever again. Just taking some time to sort it all out.