Saving American Tax Dollars

So, apparently, according to the Drudge Report:

Democrats may have eliminated provisions on birth control and sod for the National Mall in the "job stimulus" -- but buried on page 147 of the bill is stimulation for prevention of sexually transmitted diseases[.]

The House Democrats' bill includes $335 million for sexually transmitted disease education and prevention programs at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

If you're interested, you can read the whole bill here.

$335 million for STD prevention, if you ask me, does NOT, in any way, shape, or form, represent the kind of economic stimulus this country needs and this bill is supposed to provide. In fact, I'm pretty sure anybody with even a bundle of synapses in his head would understand that STD prevention has but the slightest tangential connection, if any, to economic stimulation. And I'm the guy who can see the theoretical purpose to providing abortion and family planning funding, even if it's all partisan bull crap, as is probably the case. (Interestingly enough, I heard Obama asked his party to keep all this stuff out of the stimulus bill. That shows the kind of bipartisan spirit I admire in a president.) After all, we could always follow China and Japan and limit the number of children born in the U.S. as a way of helping the economy. It's simplistic enough to border on the stupid, has a multitude of Constitutional hurdles to overcome, and is probably about the dumbest idea I've heard so far, but hey, it would probably work.  But I digress.  

It's amazing to me that some of my fellow Americans have elected officials that think you need to spread STD awareness and prevention methods in order to stimulate the economy, first off, and that you need $335 million to do so in a time when American jobs are dropping like flies.  

So, as a favor to the American people and Congress, I've devised my own STD awareness program.  And best of all, it doesn't cost a dime.  Ready?  Here it is:

GUYS:  USE A CONDOM YOU IDIOT!  

GIRLS: MAYBE DON'T GIVE IT AWAY SO MUCH!

There you go.  Now just cut, print, paste, and hang in your local school/civic center/hospital/brothel and you're good to go.  Maybe put a humorous picture of an anthropomorphic condom next to it.  Or better yet, an Uncle Sam poster with those slogans on it. Go crazy with it.  

Go ahead, take it.  No, really, I insist, no charge.  Just doing my job as a concerned citizen.  I just saved America $335 million.  

Chump Change We Can Believe In

So, while I was busy getting married and escaping the blizzards in Boston and Utah, you may have noticed that there was a lot of buzz about a certain black dude winning some popularity contest and becoming one of the most powerful people in America. (Speaking of blizzards, I wonder why people are even talking about global "warming" right now because I'd sure like to have some of that here in Boston. Seriously, just a little bit of warmth. My spit freezes before it hits the ground and I can count the temperature on my freezing, blue hands. Please, I don't ask for much.) The amazing thing is, this guy didn't win American Idol. No, he became our president. And so, while the likes of Stevie Wonder and the Jonas Brothers sang on in the background, Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in as our 44th president in front of tens of thousands of people.

Here's my question: I understand the need for security, given the record crowds, the terrorist times we live in, and the fact that some supremacist nut with a mullet and a rifle might try to off the guy during the proceedings. And I understand the fact that a logistical nightmare such as this must incur some heavy cost. But really, $170 million? That's ABC News' tally of the total, but since I'm leery of CNN, MSNBC, and FOX, I figure ABC is the best estimate. Do you realize how much that is?

We're in the worst recession in over two decades, we're fighting two wars, just bailed out the financial and auto industries, but you want $170 mil for a party? Sure, sounds like a swell idea! We'll just print up some more for you along with the rest of the bailout money!

The funny thing to me is that the same people who were all for this little shindig are the ones who slammed Dubya for spending a meager $40 mil for his second inauguration. The Associated Press and New York Times both questioned the wisdom of spending that much when it could be used to armor vehicles in Iraq and what not. But now, especially since that our economy is in the crapper, where's the outcry over $170 million? That's FOUR TIMES MORE than Bush's hootenanny. Now? No matter. People don't want to hear it. It's not vogue to bash on Obama the way it was to bash on Bush. It doesn't sell. So the media glosses over it. Or even better, they justify it by saying it's a landmark in history, and people need a big party like this to get them fired up and positive again. Maybe I'll tell that to the bank when I'm hopelessly behind on my law school loan payments.

"Look, I know I'm in deep with you guys, but I'm just so downtrodden and hopeless! And I just became a lawyer! I know if you'll just give me another $15 thousand on top of what I owe, that will fire me up like no other! Come on, it's a life-changing event for me!" You're the banker--does this sound like a good investment? Or do you smack me across the face and take everything I own?

Also, I wonder how many white-bread conservatives were disappointed that Obama used a Bible at his swearing-in ceremony. Remember those ridiculous rumors that went swirling around that Obama wasn't going to swear on the Bible, or even that he'd use a Q'ran in its place? Remember all the fear that struck into the Christian conservatives and the anti-Muslims out there? He won't use the Bible! That means he's not fit to be president! He's a terrorist! Look, as a guy who threw in the towel and marked down Ron Paul on his ballot, I feel like I can say this: the kinds of outrageous theories and conclusions both parties floated out to the public in their shameless votemongering efforts floored me on so many levels. First, that someone has the audacity to think that sort of crap will actually work in the U.S. makes my head spin. And when I realize that it actually worked on a lot of people, I...I don't know what to say. I can't even make a joke there, it's...it's just too insane.

Was it a historic day? Sure, our first minority is president. Wonderful. But aren't the comparisons to God a little much here, people? I mean, really, what's actually going to change? Race relations? Not so long as Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are allowed to roam freely. The economy? Last I checked, a president's race doesn't weigh too heavily on our Gross National Product. Remember all those wonderful promises Obama made? I'm pretty sure he was referring to those promises when he said less than a month ago that "some promises will have to be delayed." Oh, really? Our government is falling into so much debt that you can't cut taxes like you promised to? Wow, sure didn't see that one coming!

While I'm sure Dr. King must be smiling in his grave, and while Obama's election surely serves as an example of how far we've come since the dog-and-hose days of the civil rights movement, I don't see how that really affects the average American right now. Race and history do not cut taxes, get our troops out of Iraq, stabilize the job and housing markets, repair our damaged international image, or put more money in our pockets. I like Obama as much as the next guy, but I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportion, even as historically significant as it concededly is.

On the Other Side...

So, about a month ago, my life pretty much descended into a snow-covered blur of frenzied activity on a variety of fronts. Between finals, packing, unpacking, moving, meeting new faces (and immediately forgetting names), traveling (and travel delays), making eternal commitments, joining a new family, taking a cruise, coming home to even more snow, and adjusting to married life, my brain has pretty much exploded inside my head just in time for classes to start all over again and suck out the remains...so, you know, I've been a little remiss on my blogging, if you haven't noticed. Only now I'm rollin' Scarecrow-style (without a brain), so don't expect any profound revelations or pearls of wisdom on this space any time soon (as if you did anyway, right?).

I'll cover more of this in successive posts, but I suppose I should start with the thing most people ask me about. Usually when something happens in my life, I have a pretty good handle on it and when people ask me how it is, I can usually respond in a coherent, dare I say witty, manner. Like, for example, "how's law school?" To which I reply "It's a completely singular, soul-crushing journey that has stripped me of any sense of pride or self-esteem I may have had, and replaced it with hordes of mounting debt. I absolutely love it!" See? Ironic, witty, and maybe just a little bit insightful if you can get past the humor that I'm obviously using to mask my insecurity and keep myself from crying. I really want to be a lawyer, but law school is like the fiery hoop you have to jump through, only if you're drenched in gasoline at the time.

The reason I preface with this is that people have asked me how it is to be married, but I never quite know how to respond. I'm actually speechless, and for those of you who know me, that happens about as often as, oh, never. On Dec. 27, 2008, I married the love of my life. It was a monumental, life-changing event, the best day of my life and a day that will influence every facet of the rest of my life from here through the eternities. If it sounds profound, that's because it is, and so I feel as though a question like that begs an interesting, thought-provoking, or otherwise quasi-profound answer. And yet, I'm lost for descriptors. I really can't articulate it. To use Marisa's words, it just feels natural and right. I mean, we spent so much time together over the last year-and-change that her moving in with me wasn't really that big of an adjustment in and of itself. It's been a transition learning to live with each other for sure. But, on the whole, being married feels a lot like being a bachelor, only I'm with my best friend a lot more often and I don't feel that fleeting sense of loneliness when I go to bed at night, among other things. Basically, it's like life before, only better. And as an added perk, my apartment actually looks like a home now instead of a dorm room, and now I cook for two instead of one. Oh, and my roommate smells really, really good. And she's hot.

Anyway, I've always felt that something was missing in my life, and that feeling is gone now. I guess you could say that's the biggest change about being married. I'm fortunate to feel that way, I think, because a lot of people get married thinking it will fix all their problems and it doesn't. If you have personal issues and such before getting married, getting hitched will only exacerbate them, in my opinion. Nevertheless, I know there was a definite (albeit amorphous) deficiency in my life, and getting married has definitely filled it. So, I guess you could say that marriage makes me feel complete.

Yeah, complete. That's a good way to put it.

"Stewie, how ya holdin' up back there?"
"Umm, I feel right, Brian. I feel right."