Dear Hewlett-Packard...

Name please?
Todd Bluth
Phone number?
XXX-XXX-XXX
You do have service ticket number?
8017359345
Ok, and I am speaking with Todd..Bl...Bl...Blut?
*sigh* Yes, Todd "Blut"
Tank you Mr. Blut, what seems to be the problem?

Well, If my prior experience with your customer service department is any indication, I can probably expect you to take one look at this letter (a crapshoot in itself), and toss it on the bonfire you must have raging constantly in your main office, composed entirely of customer complaints and probably used to sacrifice puppies and small children to the Prince of Darkness.
In order to be clear (since nobody at your fine company seems to understand plain English without two or three repeats) I'll repeat myself again, in simpler terms: I hate you. You are a blight upon your industry and an utter shame to American business. But why, you ask?

1. Let's start with the products that you release to blindside the American public. I updated my system like Windows often asks me to do, only to find out that the most recent system update caused the motherboard to stop recognizing my wireless card. So, in essence, an innocuous system operation permanently cost me my internet connection. I'm no computer scientist, but it doesn't seem as though computers were meant to operate that way. But that's just me. Did I mention this happened a week before school started?

2. Outsourcing your call centers. I understand cost-cutting. I understand there are a lot of people in India who need jobs and are willing to work for beans. That's fine. But is it worth it when your customer service department becomes a bastion of incompetence? You took these poor people and told them to read a script which would somehow magically resolve every issue? Not working. It took me no less than 3 calls to figure out that my computer had been recalled, and even then I didn't find that out until I was transferred to somebody stateside who was able to actually comprehend my problem and give me a direct answer. It's not their fault. It's your fault for putting them in that situation. And by the way, stop telling them to say they have American names like "Roman" or "Shawn." I kid you not, an obviously Indian woman answered the phone and called herself "Ryan." You really think the majority of your customers are that dense? It's demeaning, really. Not a positive customer service experience when you realize the company invariably assumes you have an IQ comparable to a sea sponge.

3. The box you all were supposed to send me didn't arrive on time. I had to call again to ask where it was. Somebody apparently made a mistake and asked me to fax in my warranty information. It's a recall repair. There is no warranty information. What should have taken 3 days at the most took a week. By now school was starting. Finally got my box, shipped off my computer.

4. Got my computer back real fast thank you very much! If only you had made repairs. You didn't. Let me reiterate: Your repair department didn't make any repairs. I wiped my hard drive for you, did everything you asked, and you sent me back a computer that worked correctly for a total of 12 hours before the exact same problem crept up again. Your excuse? Ooooh, looks like someone didn't make the right repairs. They should have replaced the motherboard, not the wireless card. Are you kidding? What kind of raging idiots do you have working in your repair department? I mean, where did these guys go to school, DeVry?

5. Sent my computer in again after no less than three calls to your customer service people (because they didn't understand me the first two times). Another transaction that took twice as long as it should have.

6. I never saw my computer after that. I can only assume it was lost somewhere in your ugly underbelly. I called to complain numerous times and was abjectly blow off by your case managers. They sincerely did not give a crap about any problem I had and were absolutely not willing to work with me or even attempt to understand my situation or my concerns. When the due date for my computer came and went, I called to see where it was and was told I'd need to wait another day to find out where it was. When I called back, I was cryptically told "We're going to send you a new unit." What? Why? I asked you to do that 3 weeks ago and you wouldn't! Why now? Did you refurb it and sell it to some unsuspecting poor soul? Did one of your bonehead techs try fixing it by hitting it with a sledgehammer? I'm willing to believe anything at this point.

Even then, that was fine. I'm getting a new computer, right? That's all I want. Great. How soon will it get here? 1-4 weeks. What? It's been 4 weeks already with you people. You want me to wait another month to get a computer when you could easily ship it tomorrow? No, not doing it. I bought a Toshiba. On my student loans. That's money I need for food and rent. But no. You took it from me.

I will never buy another HP product again. I wish nothing but ill and evil upon your malicious little corporation.

Ok sir, I understand that, thank you. Let me check on the status of your order. Please call back tomorrow to follow up.

Ugh...